Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 7

Episode 7: The Experiment

Overall: C

Acting: B

Writing: C

Story: C

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C

IMDB

Directed by:

Kenneth Fink

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

Katie Featherston

[Spoilers pretty much the whole damn time, this time.]

Zombies. We went with zombies? Really?

Picking up directly after the end of episode 6, the crew has arrived at the outpost where they hope to find Emmet (Bruce Greenwood). But it appears to be entirely deserted, and oddly like the abandonment happened very suddenly. Wandering around, they discover that this was a research facility, and Lincoln (Joe Anderson) speculates that they were trying to find a cure for cancer. Much of their experimentation appears to have been unethical, killing and studying the Zulo tribe members, who supposedly have nearly impossible good health. The crew then comes across a freezer filled with decaying human bodies, though Emmet is not among them.

Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann) goes off alone, followed by A.J. (Shaun Parkes). He finds a photo of himself and a woman revealed to have been his fiancée. He also finds Rabbit (Katie Featherston), the camerawoman who abandoned Emmet in the jungle.

She reveals that Emmet was in the facility, and though he was still very sick he’d been recovering. But then the crew is attacked by some of the inhabitants of the facility, who have somehow been thrown into a cannibalistic fury. Yep. We’ve got zombies. The zombie-fication is courtesy of Kurt’s fiancée, Mina (Lili Bordán), who was also on a security mission. She interrupted the scientists dissecting one of the Zulo tribesmen, telling them that their research would never leave. Shooting them, she apparently released some type of… virus? energy? or something that has turned them into zombies. She, too, has been infected.

Tess (Leslie Hope) nearly gives up hope of finding Emmet, though there’ve been clues that he survived. Then they spot a dragonfly, and recognize it as a symbol that’s always led them closer to finding him. Ultimately, they discover him in some type of cocoon, barely alive. Frantically trying to escape from the cannibalistic doctors and soldiers of the base, they make it back to the Magus.

But some of the zombies have followed them, and attack. Rabbit is killed, Kurt has to shoot Mina, and Tess is nearly killed. But at the last moment, she is saved by Emmet, who is out of his coma.

Well, again, at least this episode has plot. But seriously, I just can’t get past the fact that we brought zombies into it. I love zombies, don’t get me wrong. But they’re an obvious trend as far as horror and general pop culture goes, and this just feels… weird and out of place. The horror prior to this may not have been super successful in any consistent way, but focusing on supposed regional legends and creepy things at least gave the show some distinction. Or having the ghost ship, which at least made sense as a plot having to do with being trapped on the river. But zombies have nothing to do with anything except as a “hey, this is a trendy thing right now.” I suppose it could be making a point about the excesses of science trying to understand or replicate or thwart nature, and how it will end in disaster… but isn’t that more or less all the other zombie movies out there?

Leaving that aside, I guess it was an okay episode. The found footage style is starting to feel extra contrived, though, in some regards. Not that it was seamless and totally believable before. But just happening to find the computer in the facility, that just happens to contain the footage of Mina shooting the scientists… way too convenient. Similarly, deliberately not showing the scary things gets frustrating, too. Like supposedly the cameraman is disgusted so we don’t get to see more than a tiny glimpse of the bodies in the freezer. It’s not necessarily unrealistic, but it still feels fake. The “less is more” theory of horror doesn’t always work in my opinion. Sometimes it’s a good way to build tension, but sometimes when it comes to filming it just seems like a way to mask laziness and bad effects.

I’m liking the development we got for Kurt, even though it doesn’t explain all of his creepy behavior throughout the series, or why he (and Mina?) were on the mission that he reveals to A.J. [Extra heavy spoilers]: He reveals he intends to kill Emmet, probably to “protect the Source” as we’ve gotten cryptic hints about. And since he seemed to know that Mina would be in the outpost, they may have both been on complementary missions to do so. [End of spoilers.] I like Kurt’s willingness to discuss his secret plans and mission in German, since no one around understands him.

The cocoon thing with Emmet was… weird. It was intercut with a clip from his nature show about how some butterflies and dragonflies will essentially retreat into a pupa-like state in order to wait out hardship, sometimes for months or years. (While I know of fish and frog species that do something similar by retreating to a near-coma until conditions improve, I didn’t actually know of any insects that do something like this. I don’t know if it’s actually a thing, or if the show is just making shit up. It’s disappointing if they’re just bullshitting, but I don’t have any knowledge either way.) This “older footage” comes with commentary from Emmet telling the audience to keep this in mind if they think they could improve upon nature… that nature always provides a way for creatures to survive. This seems like the contrast against the scientific disaster zombies, but… HUMANS DO NOT PUPATE and I just can’t quite get over that. I know it’s supposed to be a mystery and unexplained and such, but… nature doesn’t work that way.

We’ve got one episode left. I have no idea how this is all going to be resolved in any way that actually wraps it all up. And maybe it won’t be; the implication of the “this is the footage they left behind” taglines in the commercials is that none of the crew ever returns from the mission. There also seem to be plans for this to continue for more than just this mini-season, though whether it’ll be the same characters and goals, I don’t know. We shall see.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 6

Episode 6: Doctor Emmet Cole

Overall: B-

Acting: B

Writing: C

Story: C+

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Michelle MacLaren

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

            After finding out from Lena’s father a possible location to find Emmet (Bruce Greenwood) the crew sets off. They find Sahte Falls, and some evidence that Emmet was there, including a pocketknife and a bag containing some of his tapes. Taking the tapes back to the Magus, they see the last leg of the journey Emmet embarked on.

            The tapes show him leaving Russ on the Magus, and setting off on a long trek on foot with two other crewmembers and his dog. He went on some type of spirit journey and found “them,” a tribe that he believes guards the Source that he hopes to find. Soon they encounter a threatening “spirit” (though upon viewing the tapes Jahel, returned to her role as mystical exposition provider, recognizes it as a demon,) that he insists is merely “testing them” to prove they are worthy, and that all the other unexplainable things they’ve encountered have also been tests. He apparently believes that The Source is some kind of cure for death, that it creates magic but that the spirits of the dead can be found there as well. (He hopes to find the friends and crew he’s lost, as well as his and Tess’ first child, a girl who died in infancy.) He believes that members of the Zulo [I don’t know how to transcribe the name he’s saying, so my apologies if that’s wrong] tribe are angels on earth, and that they guard the Source. Eventually one of his companions is killed, and the other runs away in the middle of the night with their provisions, leaving Emmet alone and still followed by the demon. He continues on foot, filming as he goes. He addresses some of the tapes to Lena, insisting she’s “marked” and special. But Emmet starts growing weaker and sicker, and eventually seems near-death. But just as the demon comes for him, members of the Zulo tribe find him and carry him to some type of (military?) outpost, leaving him outside the gates.

            Lena discovers the birthmark on the back of her neck, the mark that matches the necklace Emmet gave to Lincoln.

            The current crew goes to find the outpost and Emmet, but when they arrive, it appears deserted.

            The other plot-relevant bit we get, which is also a spoiler: Lena reveals to Jonas that she used a remote satellite link to set off the beacon that brought everyone to find Emmet. She wanted someone to try and find her father because she believed the crew was still alive. End spoiler.

            At least the plot is back? Finally there’s some forward progress, now that we’re two episodes away from the end. For that reason alone, I’m inclined to say this is one of the better episodes.

            There’s actual development of some of the characters; Lena, Tess and Lincoln, Emmet himself. There’s progress made toward understanding Emmet’s goal, and towards the current crew’s goal of finding him. It was pretty competently acted, or at least I remember fewer cringe-worthy moments.

            Still, it’s not managed to shake the problems with the series as a whole or the individual episodes. Some are just seeming plot holes, which could maybe be resolved in the future. If the Zulo took Emmet and his camera (still filming!) to the outpost, why did they then take the tapes back to where the crew found them? For that matter, why did they continue filming him, from multiple angles at points? How has Lena made it to her early/mid-twenties and not noticed a pretty major birthmark? Since the first episode featured them finding a demon sealed in a room on the Magus, when will that fit into the timeline? It didn’t appear to have happened yet at the point when Emmet leaves the Magus.

            Some issues are with the writing and story, like why there are typical Judeo-Christian angels (basically winged humans) found in the middle of the Amazon? (And yes, the people don’t appear with wings, but Emmet tells us they scar their backs “as if removing wings.”) It just feels like it’s largely about moving Euro-centric mythology into an exotic location, which feels… shallow at best, and shittily appropriative more likely.

            It also felt like the horror was absent from this episode. Emmet was running away from a demon, but minus one shot of the demon having skinned a monkey to threaten them, and the largely uncharacterized companion being killed, there wasn’t anything “scary” that happened. There’s the more “mundane” horror of being alone and sick in the jungle, too far out to get help, but that’s a very different kind of horror than the supernatural or paranormal feel that the show had up until this point.

            Basically, I am glad to see a return of the plot, and it’s reignited some of my interest in the eventual resolution. But at the same time, it still fails to really pull together as a whole. Plus that eventual resolution feels increasingly like it’ll probably be very anti-climactic.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 5

Episode 5: Peaches

Overall: C+

Acting: C

Writing: C+

Story: C

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C-

IMDB

Directed by:

Rob Bailey

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

Lee Tergesen

Don McManus

Karen LeBlanc

Walter Perez

Kelemete Misipeka

Well, I speculated last time that Lena (Eloise Mumford) was a non-character because they wanted to push her into the background, but that’s proven wrong, since this episode focused mostly on her.

The Magus and crew are continuing on, hoping that they can use Jonas’ (Scott Michael Foster) recollection of Emmet’s (Bruce Greenwood) plans to find him. All Jonas can really tell them was that Emmet had become obsessed with the idea of “The Source;” a single thing responsible for the real magic in the world. On the journey, the boat is sideswiped by another vessel in the dark, leaving them stranded and in need of parts to do repairs. Meanwhile, Lena seems to be growing very upset over the focus on Emmet. Her father, Emmet’s cameraman, is missing too, and she feels like the only one who cares about that.

Fortunately, the Magus is contacted by another boat named the Exodus. Their four-person crew is on an ecological mission to fight logging and protect indigenous people, flora, and fauna. They agree to sell some spare parts to the Magus. As the crews mingle and chat, Lena and Jonas realize that it looks like there’s someone else over on the Exodus, and they decide to investigate.

Spoilers for the episode: It turns out that it’s Russ Landry (Lee Tergesen), Lena’s dad, that’s on board the Exodus, which appears run down and abandoned. The Exodus is a ghost ship, and the crew is trapped on the boat unless they can capture living people to replace them. Eventually, Lena, Jonas, Tess (Leslie Hope), and Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann) are all captured, and have to be rescued by sunrise in order to be saved.

In the end, Jahel (Paulina Gaitan) is able to tell Lincoln (Joe Anderson) where to find them, and they are rescued. But Lena’s father is now one of the ghosts, so he can’t leave with them. End spoilers.

I feel like I’m running out of things to say. The flaws are just so frequently getting more and more apparent. The writing for the individual episode was pretty good, but it’s rather obvious that each episode is written by a different person. So, conveniently, the episode where Lena is upset about her father is the same episode in which we find out his fate, when there’ve been few mentions of him before. (We know he’s missing, and that Lena wants to find him, but she hasn’t been especially emotional about it prior to this episode.)

The effects in this one were bad. The “fuzzy static, off-color scary ghost-face” thing just isn’t scary.

The acting was… inconsistent. Parts were pretty good… other parts were too ridiculous and over-acted to take seriously.

And in episode 5 out of an 8 episode series, do we really need to shoehorn in an awkward love triangle subplot between Lincoln, Lena, and Jonas? I mean, I guess it was set up in the last episode a bit, since Lena hired Jonas in the first place and flirted with him in his audition tapes, but seriously. More subplots in a show that can’t seem to focus on the main plot is not what we need.

Which leads to the biggest thing that still bothers me; again, with the possible exception of episode 4, every episode has felt unnecessary. This one too. While it provides emotional development for Lena, and lets them know what happened to Russ, the overall plot is no closer to being resolved. It’s not that an episode focusing on a single character’s development is worthless, far from it, but this is such a short series! We’re more than halfway through, and it seems like they have yet to really move forward. This episode was about the crew being literally stranded and unable to move ahead.

I also really for some reason noticed during this episode that this show has a severe case of Missing Mother Syndrome. Lincoln’s mother Tess obviously features prominently, but the other two young members of the crew, Lena and Jahel, both have fathers who show up and are important to the story… but neither of their mothers have been mentioned to my recollection. It’s like watching a Disney movie!

There are some positives for the episode. I complained a lot in my last review about Jahel’s character being reduced to the mystic exposition fairy, and she actually had a better role this time, in my opinion. She was primarily responsible for helping out as mechanic, and then later for receiving Lena’s transmission and directing the others on where to go; something done without some kind of mystical knowledge.

There were also at least two moments that I thought were actually pretty funny, both in kind of a meta way. One was where one of the ghosts was trying to get Jahel back to the Exodus, and she remarked that no one on the Magus joked with her, because they were afraid of her. The boy said she didn’t seem scary, and she replies with “You don’t know me.” The delivery was pretty funny, and was even a decent bit of foreshadowing, as she’s the one who ultimately led to the failure of the Exodus crew’s plans. The other moment is when Jonas and Lena go on board the Exodus, and make fun of Blair Witch style found footage camera work. I mean, in some ways that joke falls flat because The River isn’t really any better at the “found footage” thing, but at least it gives it a little self-awareness.

Despite the good points in the episode, the flaws are still way more prevalent. The individual episodes still feel too isolated from each other, like they have almost no bearing on the entirety of the plot. Considering there are only three more episodes to go, it’s going to take some kind of masterful finale to tie this together in a way that really works or makes the individual episodes feel relevant. I still don’t think it’s “THE WORST THING EVER” as a lot of angry internet comments say, but as is, it seems stuck around mediocre.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 4

Episode 4: A Better Man

Overall: C+

Acting: C

Writing: C+

Story: C+

Technical aspects: B

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Dean White

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

In Episode 4, the crew of the Magus continues their journey. As they try and decide where to go, they see a man hanged in a tree. Shocked, they realize the man is Jonas Beckett (Scott Michael Foster,) a cameraman who disappeared along with Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood). As they plan to cut him down, speculating that the body must have been put there recently, they realize he’s still alive. Bringing him onboard, it’s clear he’s suffering from malaria, and they face the decision to go back to civilization with him to get him treatment, or press on to find Emmet. Tess (Leslie Hope) is thrilled that Jonas’s phone may provide some data that will help them find Emmet. But Jahel (Pauline Gaitan) becomes obviously distressed by his presence, as she keeps pulling the “hanged man” card from her tarot deck. There’s some exposition regarding the hanged man being a justly punished thief. Viewing tapes, it becomes clear that Jonas was a thief of a sort: he went against Emmet’s wishes and filmed a death ritual that was forbidden to view. In doing so, he “stole” the soul of the man who was dying. Bizarre and dangerous things begin happening on the boat, such as birds plummeting from the sky and hundreds of thousands of insects appearing. It’s evidently the curse following Jonas for what he’d done, and will probably culminate in a severe storm that could kill everyone on board. Upon viewing a tape that Jonas had tried to steal, it’s clear the curse was brought down on the Magus before, and Emmet elected to throw Jonas overboard to save the crew. Furthermore, the tape reveals that Jonas had been hanging in the tree for months until they found him, and somehow hadn’t died. After getting what information from Jonas that they could, Tess and the others plan to cast him off again, though Lincoln (Joe Anderson) fights to keep it from happening.

Spoilers for the ending of the episode: In the end, Jonas pulls a rather sudden 180 from begging for his life to deciding to sacrifice himself. He smashes the phone he recorded the ceremony on, and hangs himself from the vines. The stolen soul is freed, and Jonas is spared. In the end, Jonas is hired on as a new cameraman. End heaviest spoilers.

Is it just me, or are the “morals” kind of simplistic and heavy handed? The last episode had “be brave and willing to sacrifice yourself, and it will prove you’re worthy.” This one has “stealing is wrong, but if you give it back, it’ll all be okay.” It’s kind of… frustrating. And how quickly Jonas suddenly decided to kill himself to save the others, after spending the whole episode trying to hide what he’d done and then begging them to save him, was also rather bothersomely unbelievable.

I did actually like this episode more than the last one, in that it seemed to have a little more actual tension to it, and the horror felt a bit more “real” to me. Particularly the reveal that Jonas had been left hanging but alive for months… that actually struck me as creepy in a way that some of the rather unsubtle imagery from previous weeks hasn’t.

However, there are certainly flaws that seemed more apparent to me this week than they have in previous weeks. The filming, for one, feels far too convenient for a “found footage” story. So often there are multiple camera angles that conveniently fit together to give a perfect and deliberate sense of continuity for a conversation or a run of action, in a way that doesn’t feel authentic for what it’s supposed to be.

Some of the characters are beginning to feel more one-dimensional, as well. The episode largely hinges on Lincoln being the moral voice on the boat, and it feels like that’s becoming all he is. He’s the “good guy” who will be the hero and try to make everything right, even though he has to go against everyone else. The other one that frustrates me is Jahel. She was initially my favorite character, when it seemed like her knowledge of the supernatural was just one aspect of her character. But with the last episode and this one, it seems like that’s all she’s there for. To have her tarot cards and obscure knowledge of symbols in order to provide easy exposition of what folkloric creepy-of-the-week they’re facing. She could be an interesting character, but she again is falling into feeling like a plot device more than a person.

This last one might be just me, or might be deliberate, but is Lena a total non-entity to anyone else? Like seriously, I forget entirely about her character when she’s not on screen. It’s been suggested to me that this may be deliberate, because she’ll be important later, and it’s meant to be some sort of twist. But the story so far hasn’t shied away from hinting at her importance. The birthmark that matches the necklace Emmett had? The fact that she was in contact with Emmett even when he’d stopped speaking to Tess and Lincoln? It hasn’t been real subtle about hinting around the idea that she may ultimately be the most important person, or that she knows more than she lets on. And yet, I just don’t seem to be able to hold onto her as a character. If it is intentional on their part to push her into the background, they’re doing so with more skill than I would expect.

And a final gripe, the episodes don’t feel well-tied together. I feel like any one of these episodes, particularly 2 or 3, could have been left out entirely, and we wouldn’t really be missing anything other than a line or two of relevant dialogue. I understand that a series has to have stand-alone episodes. But this almost feels like every single episode is a filler episode, like nothing about the ultimate goal is getting closer, like nothing new and necessary occurs. This episode may be the first exception, since finding Jonas at least propels them forward and expands on the mystery of Emmet’s disappearance.

So ultimately, I think this episode was a little stronger and more enjoyable than the previous one, but I still wish the series would live up to a little more of its potential.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 3

Episode 3: Los Ciegos

Overall: C

Acting: C

Writing: C-

Story: C

Technical aspects: B

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Michael Katleman

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

In Episode 3, the crew is still seeking to rescue Emmet Cole. They hope that they have some kind of new lead, and go into the jungle. Unfortunately, when they stop for the night, it becomes clear that something is following them. Jahel, who has the most knowledge of the superstitions and legends of the area, believes that they’re being followed by the Morcego, a semi-paranormal/semi-real tribe that will judge whether they are worthy of survival or not. (Since it’s this show, of course she’s right.) After spending the night in the jungle, one by one they start to go blind. Seeking answers on the boat, they find out that it’s probably a poison, which has an antidote, if they can find the right tree. The few non-blinded members set off to seek out the antidote. Meanwhile, everyone on the boat has gone blind, including Lincoln, who is trying to tend a very severe wound of Clark’s. And of course the Morcego are on the ship as well, threatening to kill them. And meanwhile on the expedition off-boat, the cameraman A.J. is the only one who can still see, but he plans on abandoning the others. Ultimately he finds the antidote, though he has to face what turns out to, of course, be his most paralyzing fear in order to do so.

Spoilers for the episode: seriously, this crappy ending bugs the hell out of me. Simultaneously A.J. and Clark do something self-sacrificing. Cool. And this means that the Morcego decide to let them live, going so far as to actually save A.J. from death. But… really. It’s just so… cliché, yes? The idea that “oh, we’re so doomed, oh God, what will we do? We’re all going to die, because we’re being judged” but then oh, someone is willing to be a martyr, so everything is okay again, because of the goodness of the human spirit. It’s just so obvious and such an overplayed trope that I couldn’t take it seriously. End of the most serious spoilers.

Otherwise the episode is all right. I liked the development A.J. got as a character, since we didn’t see much of him in the first two episodes. Enough new hints were placed for some of the ongoing plot threads to keep it interesting. The Morcego were pretty creepy looking, though they held to the idea that “the less you see the scarier it is” for most of the episode. Once you do get a good look at them, they’re plenty freaky, but kinda in the same way the dolls in episode 2 were. Like it’s just so obviously done specifically TO be creepy, that it doesn’t feel surprising or real. I know that horror obviously has the aim to be horrifying, but something about this just feels like they’re doing it wrong. I’m not sure I can explain what I mean all that well... But in my opinion (for the kind of horror this seems to want to be,) doing it right would be a good atmospheric horror, where it’s unsettling and creepy and the horror serves to further the story. Where ultimately, the story is most important, it just happens to have a bunch of creepy happening, too. And this feels more like they just wrote a story with the intent of tying various creepy things together, so they can point and go “hey, it’s horror!”

I’ve heard a lot of “OH GOD, THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER PUT ON TELEVISION” opinions, and I think that’s kind of an exaggeration. It’s still entertaining enough and has a few legitimately creepy moments, but it’s also kind of underwhelming. Probably especially so if you’ve seen a lot of horror things in the past. My opinion hasn’t changed much since the first couple episodes. I’m still watching, and still want to see more, but this episode definitely felt weaker than the first two, and that’s not what I hope for out of a short series.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episodes 1 and 2

Two reviews in one! Mostly because they were presented together as the pilot.

 

Overall: B-

Acting: C

Writing: B-

Story: B

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C

Episode 1, “Magus” on IMDB

Episode 2, “Marbeley” on IMDB

Directed by:

Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

In the 80s, Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) starred in a wildlife/exploration/nature show along with his family: his wife, Tess (Leslie Hope,) and son Lincoln (played as an adult by Joe Anderson.) A bit later in life, he continues to go on expeditions, eventually at the expense of the relationships with his family. Six months before The River begins, he goes missing on a trip to the Amazon. Just as his family, in particular his estranged son, are coming to terms with his assumed death, a signal from his beacon is received, giving hope that he or some of his crew may be alive. The company that originally funded his show will even fund an expedition to go recover the beacon and possibly Emmet himself, but only if they can get his family and some of the rest of the original group involved with the show to go along.

Lincoln reluctantly agrees. So he; his mother; Clark (Paul Blackthorne), the producer of the old show; Lena, the daughter of a cameraman who went missing along with Emmet; Emilio (Daniel Zacapa), the mechanic of Emmet’s old ship; Jahel (Pauline Gaitan), Emilio’s daughter and assistant; Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann), a security and bodyguard; and A.J. (Shaun Parkes), the cameraman; all head off to the Amazon.

Creepy things happen from the outset, as they find the beacon underwater, with no sign of the crew. Then the ship is found along with some very disturbing tapes recorded by Emmet. Eventually things stray to the downright paranormal, with a demon spirit locked on board the ship, eventually giving Tess the belief that Emmet is still alive.

Much of the first episode is devoted to introducing the characters, which I appreciate was done with at least moderate non-awkwardness. It’s not perfect and seamless by any stretch, as there were some moments I was still very aware that I was being fed exposition. However, I can certainly imagine it being far worse.

The show is set up as being a mix between the Crocodile Hunter style nature show of Emmet Cole’s from the 80s (and I love how very 80s they make those clips feel), a found footage narrative in the style of The Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, and the reality TV show that Clark and the studio are intending this to be. I don’t know if this is intentional, but I think it’s kind of in a way a wonderful commentary on how TV has changed over the last couple decades. As a kid, I loved nothing more than the Discovery Channel and NatGeo and such, with their nature documentaries and exploration shows. Now, almost everything, including those same channels, has moved into the realm of “reality TV” and that kind of contrived drama. I like that the same progression from “educational, and people enjoy it” to “cheap and contrived drama, and people enjoy it” is visible in the fictional production company.

Episode 2 begins with Jahel being possessed by Emmet’s spirit. She realizes that he must still be alive, even though he wants them to leave for fear of them being in danger. Tess and the crew set out to try and find him, based on clues from the countless (but unorganized) tapes of his expedition. With one idea of where to go, the group sets off and finds a very creepy tree covered in children’s dolls. Lincoln even finds a childhood toy of his own there, meaning Emmet must have been through. The tree is tied to a legend about a child’s spirit that out of loneliness drowns travelers, with the dolls being an attempt to comfort her and pacify her. Once again, the paranormal legend turns out to be true, though I’ll spare the spoilers of what happens with it.

In this episode, I admittedly found the doll tree creepy. (And there’s a creepy doll… that always follows you… it’s got a ruined eye…that’s always…open… Though seriously, go download that song. Jonathan Coulton is awesome and I love that song, and yes you can get it for free legitimately.) I’m one of those people who does get kind of freaked by dolls. And I’ve heard this legend before, though they’ve taken a few liberties from the one that I know. (The one I know of is the Isla De Las Muñecas, or Island of Dolls, and is actually something of a creepy tourist destination.) But at the same time, it felt a bit like “HEY, THIS IS CREEPY! ARE YOU CREEPED OUT YET? BE CREEPED OUT.” Maybe it’s just that I watch a lot of horror, so I’m familiar with a lot of the tropes. But while dolls are pretty creepy in their own ways, it seems like just such a stock “now you’re afraid, yes?” that it felt a little lazy and uncreative. But hey, it was still pretty unsettling.

Anyway, in terms of quality, the show is pretty average. It has good points and bad points, for sure. Positives include some of the things I mentioned above, with at least somewhat competent writing in terms of character introduction and a reasonably interesting story. Unfortunately, the acting is inconsistent in quality, with some truly cringe-worthy moments but some pretty good performances as well. The effects are nothing special, but they’re passable for a TV series. Other times, the writing feels a bit lazy and like it’s just trying to force the plot forward, rather than having it develop naturally. There are some badly explained shortcuts, like insisting they’ll be able to recognize locations from Emmet's tapes, which I find ridiculous. If you’re not immensely familiar with the setting, all the trees along the Amazon river are going to look a lot like all the other trees along the Amazon river. And when the tapes are of parts of the inner jungle, not even bordering the river, it’s even more suspect that people unfamiliar with the area will know where to go to find him. There’s also some kind of shoddy research or explanations given, like with the dolls and the insistence that “well, originally dolls were used to house the spirits of the dead.” Again, I’m nit-picking based on personal interests and knowledge, but while in some cultures this is true, it’s not true of the whole damn world.

While the show probably isn’t destined to go into the annals of time as a Great Series, it does manage to be entertaining enough and have enough in the way of dangled plot threads that I’ll keep tuning in. It’s not perfect, and the flaws are pretty apparent in some cases, but it’s at least captured my interest for the time being.

Horror Movie Reviews: I Was a Zombie for the FBI (1982)

Overall: C-

Acting: C

Writing: D

Story: C-

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Marius Penczner

Starring:

Larry Raspberry

James Raspberry

John Gillick

Laurence Hall

Christina Wellford

Passes the Bechdel test? Not to my recollection.
Specific warnings? None I can recall.

I have only seen the later DVD version, which is apparently not identical to the originally aired 1982 version.

            This movie was entertainingly silly. In some ways it’s probably more of a D film, but gets bumped to a C- just because it means so well and is so self-aware of its silliness. (Though unfortunately, it hasn’t aged well in my memory; Biophage for instance held up well in my mind, where this one I remember the negatives more than the positives.) The film is a parody of 50s B-movies, in the same vein as Lost Skeleton of Cadavera, though it appears to be a lower-budget more independent undertaking.

            The plot is as convoluted as one could hope when it comes to parodying 50s sci-fi and FBI agent type stories. A plane carrying a pair of criminal brothers, Bart Brazzo (John Gillick) and Bert Brazzo (Laurence Hall,) crashes in Pleasantville, and FBI agents Ace Evans (Larry Raspberry) and Rex Armstrong (James Raspberry) are sent on a case to find the brothers.

            But unknown to them, the plane was shot down by aliens! Aliens who have taken the Brazzo brothers hostage in the nearby Health Cola plant. Some time later, the criminal brothers go to a different cola plant, this time for Uni Cola, where they hold the secret cola recipe and an attractive reporter named Penny (Christina Wellford), (who also happens to be Ace Evans’ fiancée) hostage. They demand a ransom of one million dollars, which is provided. Ace and Rex thwart the brothers’ plans, sending them to jail. They rescue Penny, but the cola recipe is lost. Uni Cola is furious about the failure to retrieve their secret recipe, and Ace and Rex are reassigned.

            They are sent back to Pleasantville to investigate the strange zombie-like behavior among the townsfolk. They get a tip that the Health Cola plant is somehow responsible for the zombie behavior, and they figure out that it’s probably connected to the missing Uni Cola recipe as well.

            Showdown ultimately ensues in the Cola plant, where they must rescue the recipe (hidden in Penny’s necklace) and thwart the evil plans of the aliens who intend to control the world through the production of soft drinks. The final battle against a stop-motion monster that would make Harryhausen proud is truly a crowning moment.

            Honestly, I think the fact that this is a played-straight parody of 50s B-movies hides and in some ways excuses a lot of flaws. The acting is somehow both flat and over-the-top, but it fits with the parodies of stock-characters that the actors are portraying. The story itself is ridiculous and convoluted, to an extent that I’m afraid my summary above sounds a bit confused. This could have been intentional, but it could also have just been clumsy. The stylized black and white filming looks nice, so it gets points for that, and I especially loved a few of the shots of the buildings and other settings. And the effects, while apparently “updated” slightly for the DVD release, are delightfully silly. As mentioned, the stop-motion monster at the end is wonderfully ridiculous in a way that I really loved. On the downside, the movie kind of drags. In between some of the more ridiculous or action-heavy parts, the dialogue seems really unneeded, and it starts getting boring to sit through. Also, as most reviews mention, the title is quite misleading. There are zombie-like people, and there is the FBI, but there are no strict zombies, and definitely no zombies in the employ of the FBI.

            Ultimately, I think this may be a love it or hate it type film. If somewhat loving parodies of this nature appeal to you, this one is pretty good. It’s not as over-the-top silly as Lost Skeleton of Cadavera, but has the same deal going to some extent. But if that doesn’t appeal to you, there’s nothing else that will keep you interested.