Horror Movie Review: Side Sho (2007)

Overall: B-

Acting: C

Writing: C-

Story: C

Technical aspects: B+

Effects: B+

IMDB

Directed by:

Michael D’Anna

Starring:

J.D. Hart

Toni Robider

Dana Poulson

Elizabeth Bailey

Hunter Ballard

J.R. Reynolds           

This movie starts off with a pretty awesome opening credits sequence, using vintage photos and advertisements for actual freakshows and side shows that were popular in the early 1900s. Unfortunately, that was probably my favorite part of the movie.

            The basic plot is that a typical suburban American family (plus a friend) is on vacation, heading home on their roadtrip. The father, John (J.D. Hart), is stopping at old roadside amusement parks and side shows in order to take photographs for a book he’s putting together. At a gas station somewhere in Florida, he finds out about a supposedly abandoned freak show just down the road, so the family takes a slight detour, despite the complaints of the daughter, Christy (Toni Robider), and her friend Steffi (Elizabeth Bailey.)

            Turns out that “Side Sho” is not actually abandoned, and the barker (J.R. Reynolds) offers to give them a tour. The family splits up, the girls and the mother, Gwen (Dana Poulson), going one way, the son, Cory (Hunter Ballard) going around the grounds to take pictures, and the father heading with the barker to the “real” freak show. Turns out that it’s full of twisted things like malformed human fetuses, so John freaks out and intends to get the family out of there. Meanwhile Cory has an after school special “we can all be friends despite our differences” moment with a young boy with a facial deformity.

            The family decides to leave, and they rush out of there, but not before a mysterious someone puts water in their gas tank! So the car conveniently dies in front of a group of creepy cabins, and the man there says that it was an old fishing camp. He’ll let them stay the night, since it’s getting dark. But shock! awe! horror! This used to be a prison camp! And the man letting them stay there is part of an extended family of deformed freaks descended from the prisoners, as are the barker and the woman from the gas station, and they intend to kill the father and the son, while keeping the women as “new breeding stock” since they’re getting so inbred!

            What follows for the last two thirds of the movie is your basic slasher run-and-escape-and-fight-and-die-and-kill-and-run-some-more, until the end when two of our heroes escape, to be picked up by a police officer… but as the scene ends, we see that HE IS ONE OF THE DEFORMED FREAK FAMILY.

            The movie is pretty average, which in some ways is a shame because the tech is great. The cinematography is fantastic, and the sound direction is good as well. Set design and such is also great. Leonard Wolf provides the soundtrack, which has more presence than I’m used to (by which I mean I noticed it pretty constantly, rather than it fading into the background) but it was well done and has some pretty good tracks. It’s actually kind of sad that such good tech went to a film that’s so average in many regards.

            The acting is middle of the road. It’s not unwatchable, but particularly at the beginning, the dialogue is horribly stilted. Very “you have said your line, therefore I will now respond with my line,” not flowing like anything resembling an actual conversation. It sounded almost like sitcom dialogue where they pause for the laugh-track or other audience reaction. This seemed to be less of an issue later in the movie, though probably because it was more running and screaming and less “conversation.” The woman from the gas station they meet at the beginning bothered me the most as far as acting – she looked like a kid doing an impression of a crotchety old woman, scrunching up her face to talk out the side of her mouth (if you ever watched the 90s kid show “The Amanda Show” on Nickelodeon… it looked like Amanda Bynes’ old woman impression)… It was distractingly awkward looking.

            The story itself is pretty basic slasher fare, without really adding anything new. The effects are pretty good, from the makeup of the freak family to the blood. And while the plot is standard, and you can pretty well guess which characters are going to be offed, the death scenes are pretty creative. I don’t think I’ve ever seen two reptile-related deaths in the same non-reptile-horror film – one person having their face crushed in with a turtle, one getting a terrarium with a poisonous snake smashed on his head. Lots of killing of the innocents, lots of return killings of the villains. But it’s not aided by having the predictable “twist” ending of the escape-but-not-really-because-it-was-a-trap. That just shoved it into eye-rolling territory for me.

Horror Movie Quick Review: Fertile Ground (2010)

Overall: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Adam Gierasch

Starring:

Gale Harold

Leisha Hailey

Fertile Ground is the story of married couple Nate (Gale Harold) and Emily Weaver (Leisha Hailey). After Emily has a tragic miscarriage, they move to Nate’s ancestral home in the country, presumably in order to move on.

As time goes on, Emily begins to believe the house is haunted, and she finds disturbing materials such as the diary of a former Weaver bride who was eventually murdered by her husband. Human remains are found in their yard, and a local historian tells Emily how many strangely similar deaths have occurred in that house.

 Nate begins to act strangely and threateningly toward her. She realizes that an ancestor of Nate’s murdered his wife there, and that ever since, the people in the house have been essentially possessed by his spirit, accounting for the near identical deaths of so many women at the hands of men in the house.

There was a lot that I enjoyed, particularly the artistic direction. There was some really great use of light and shadow, some beautifully framed shots, etc. The story itself was pretty good, if relatively typical of ghost stories (the “ghosts possessing and reliving significant events/changing the people present” isn’t exactly original… see, duh, The Shining or Amityville Horror and countless others.) I thought it was pretty well acted, and liked the characters well enough. Parts of the story dragged a bit, mostly because it was too predictable to justify the sometimes drawn-out suspense. There were a couple parts I found genuinely creepy, but some parts fell flat. For better or worse, the movie doesn’t contain much gore, which I generally like, since over-reliance on gore has become lazy shorthand for “this is a horror movie!” Few people seemed to like this one, largely because of its slow pace and somewhat predictable story. I do think they’re valid criticisms, but if you can get beyond the pacing, I think it’s still a decent ghost story.

Horror Movie Review: Razor's Ring (2008)

Overall: D-

Acting: D+

Writing: D

Story: D

Technical aspects: D

Effects: F

IMDB

Directed by:

Morgan Hampton

Starring:

Wayne Casey

AnnieScott Rogers

Paul Schilens

Lisa Wharton

Nate Duncan

            The basic plot of this one is that an innocent guy named Scott (Wayne Casey) is just out for a jog, when he’s suddenly kidnapped by the couple Razor (Paul Schilens) and Julie (Lisa Wharton.) Their motives for this are never really explained… they’re both wanted by the police, but they’re driving around running over people and animals as a game, and for some reason they grab Scott and take him with.

            They aim to run over a little girl, and Scott attempts to get control of the car, and they end up hitting an old man. The man’s family members attack the three, capturing them and taking them to see “Red.” The three are kept in a shed, where they’re tormented in various ways (Razor has a finger cut off, Julie is forced to stand naked on their dinner table, Scott gets stabbed…) And Red (AnnieScott Rogers,) the apparent matriarch of the group insists that she’ll slowly let each of them go over the next few weeks, so her family will think they’ve been justly taken care of.

            Blah blah, stuff happens, Julie and Razor are supposedly let go, Scott is allowed to come live in the house rather than the shed, and he’s taken to a big party they’re putting on. As he’s eating, he finds Razor’s ring (clever title!) in his food, and he realizes that OMG THEY’VE BEEN EATING PEOPLE. AND HE’S NEXT. Either a Soylent Green or a Troll 2 joke would be appropriate here.

            Spoilers! He escapes, there’s the fakest explosion ever, and he returns to society. But then he realizes that he’s now addicted to eating human flesh! He then buys the land the cannibals were living on, and is apparently planning to eat his girlfriend? Or something. (End spoilers.)

            Anyway, not a good film. The characterization was very inconsistent – Razor and Julie plan to pin the death of the old man on Scott, Scott plans to tell the truth about his non-involvement, so they’re fighting with each other most of the time. But then suddenly they’ll be acting like great friends, trying to work together, or just talking to each other. And what’s ostensibly a couple days later (though we’re told that it’s been weeks, sometimes; there’s no real sense of time passing) Razor and Scott sit talking about how wonderful the food is, and how great things are. (It’s funny because they’re EATING JULIE, GET IT?)

            The acting is pretty poor, though not the worst out there. Some is likely more budget than anything, but in a couple scenes it appears an actor screws up a line and then just has to roll with it. None of the characters strike me as very believable in their roles, though. The one exception is probably AnnieScott Rogers as Red, as she’s pretty entertaining. She falls into the “watch my extreme mood shifts to show I’m evil” acting camp, and could be considered the low-budget Kathy Bates-as-Annie Wilkes, but she’s pretty good as both a violent psychopath and as the kindly grandmother-type.

            The sound direction was all right, but the filming was not. It appears to be done almost exclusively with a handheld camera, sometimes going out of focus, always unsteady, using clumsy zooms to focus on things. Scenes are terribly edited together, in some cases making it painfully clear that the two people or events that are being cut between aren’t happening even remotely near each other.

            The effects are laughable. Most of the gory scenes aren’t shown, probably for the better, because the blood effects are pretty sub-standard. And the explosion at the end… we both literally started laughing at how silly it looked.

            This movie definitely felt like a waste of time. But it gets a D simply because my bar for an F has been set so incredibly low.

(Happy October, everyone!)

Horror Movie Review: 100 Feet (2008)

Overall: B

Acting: B

Writing: B

Story: B

Technical aspects: B

Effects: C

IMDB

Directed by:

Eric Red

Starring:

Famke Janssen

Bobby Cannavale

Ed Westwick

Michael Pare

Particular triggers: domestic violence

Passes the Bechdel test? yes, but barely

            100 Feet is the story of a woman named Marnie Watson (Famke Janssen), who is placed under house arrest after being found guilty of the murder of her husband, Mike (Michael Pare). Mike was abusive, and the murder was in self-defense; Marnie had reported him several times to the police, but as Mike himself was a cop, little was done and the investigations were generally dropped. Complicating things, the cop in charge of Marnie, named Shanks (Bobby Cannavale), was Mike’s partner.

            “100 Feet” refers to the distance that Marnie is allowed to travel – any farther, and the anklet she wears will send a signal to the police, and she’ll be sent back to prison.

            It quickly becomes clear that Mike’s ghost is haunting the house, and he continues to attack her. Unwilling to leave or be sent back to prison, Marnie attempts exorcisms, attempts to force Mike’s spirit out of the house by getting rid of his possessions, etc. but nothing works. Some of the assaults against her are investigated by Shanks, who is beginning to believe that someone else is beating Marnie, and that this other person may be the one actually responsible for killing Mike.

            It’s hard to say much else without being too spoiler-heavy.

I actually really like this movie. I find Marnie’s character interesting and sympathetic, not quite the same as the average female horror movie protagonist. She seems genuinely conflicted, not feeling guilty for killing her husband because of the circumstances, but regretting that it happened. She’s imperfect, but her actions are consistent with her character.

The small cast helps the film feel very self-contained, and emphasizes the feeling of isolation that Marnie experiences in the house.

I enjoy the premise of being literally trapped in a house with something malevolent, and by something more than a broken-down car or a silly dare. (And yes, I remember that Disturbia also used the “house arrest” premise, but I like its use in this movie far more, and that’s about the only way the films are at all comparable.) Also in the category of at least kind of subverting common tropes, while she does refuse to seek outside help, this also makes sense for her character. After her experiences, of course she’s not going to ask Shanks or any other cops for help.

The biggest detractor in my opinion is the ending, which is tied together a little too neatly and rapidly. The ultimate way they get rid of Mike’s ghost works, I suppose, but seems like something that would have occurred to her earlier. The effects are also a bit hit-or-miss. They aren’t the most ridiculous, but a few times the ghost modeling is quite fake looking (when he’s heavily active) and one scene in particular has pretty laughable blood effects.

Occasionally this one runs on Syfy, and I’d certainly recommend the watch if it does come up. It’s also had a DVD release, and it’s one that I enjoyed enough that I’m considering purchasing it.

Horror Movie Quick Review: Case 39 (2009)

Overall: B

IMDB

Directed by:

Christian Alvart

Starring:

Renee Zellweger

Jodelle Ferland

Case 39 is about a social worker named Emily Jenkins (Renee Zellweger) who is beyond overworked, but takes on the case of a girl named Lilith Sullivan (Jodelle Ferland.) There seems to be a severe case of abuse towards the girl, seemingly confirmed when Lilith’s parents try to murder her. The parents are found not guilty by reason of insanity as they claim that Lilith is a demon and they had no choice but to kill her. Emily ends up taking Lilith in until a better foster home can be found, but then as people in Emily’s life begin to die under mysterious circumstances, she realizes that Lilith’s parents may have been right.

I’m a fan of evil child movies, so I liked Case 39. It does a pretty good job of setting Lilith up as the innocent victim (though somewhat unfortunately because of the expectations of it being a horror movie, and especially after reading a summary of it, the audience will still realize that she’s evil, so there’s not much opportunity for surprise.) It’s well-acted (and I really like Jodelle Ferland, as far as child actresses go) and the characters are pretty good as well. Emily’s conflict over proper professional behavior vs. legitimate worry for Lilith is believably handled. In a few ways it felt like the ending and resolution were a little bit rushed, and I can’t suspend my disbelief enough to not realize that Emily is probably going to wind up spending a good chunk of her life in prison after the credits roll. The film isn’t the most groundbreaking or original offering, and it felt to me like there was just something kind of missing, but it’s a well put together film that is largely successful in telling its story.

Horror Movie Reviews: Intermedio (2005)

Overall: F

Acting: D

Writing: F

Story: D

Technical aspects: F

Effects: F

IMDB

Directed by:

Andrew Lauer

Starring:

Edward Furlong

Steve Railsback

Cerina Vincent

Amber Benson

Callard Harris

Paul Cram

Alejandro Samaniego

Dean M. Arevalo

What the ass, man? This sucks.

This was a bad movie. Like… in some ways just bafflingly bad. Also, I give basically an entire synopsis of the film below, so it’s super heavy on spoilers.

            Okay, so we’ve got four main characters. Malik (Edward Furlong) lives out in California with his girlfriend Barbie (Amber Benson). His childhood friend Gen (Cerina Vincent) and her boyfriend Wes (Callard Harris) come by to visit, and Wes has a super-awesome plan for them to meet some Mexican drug dealers, spend all their money on some super-awesome marijuana that’s apparently the best weed in the history of weed, and sell it for a super-awesome profit back in the US. As you do.

            But… the tunnel they have to go through turns out to be the very tunnel that Malik and Gen’s respective fathers disappeared down when the two were kids! But the four decide to go down these tunnels, even though the Mexican drug dealers insist on not going all the way to the halfway point due to the fear of “intermedios.” The intermedios are supposedly ghosts trapped in between the realm of the living and the dead. There’s also some other story that’s tied in somehow about how someone who catches the blood of a dead man before it hits the ground will become immortal or something. It’s a little vague.

            As they go through the tunnels, some weird stuff happens, though it’s pretty disjointed. A guy appears to be following them, knocking out the lights and the like. After the four kids meet up with the drug dealers Jorge (Alejandro Samaniego) and Al (Dean M. Arevalo), whoever is stalking them uses a mysterious amulet apparently filled with blood to summon ghosts to attack them. One kills Al, and the others run away. They get separated, with Wes running around alone and yelling for quite a while. (Giving us the wonderful line “What the ass?”) Barbie gets cut in half while they try to run away, and Jorge’s fingers also get cut off. They all get lost in the tunnels, but end up in a safehouse that’s blockaded from the inside. They keep running into a ghost-like boy named Zee (Paul Cram), who seems mostly to want to help them. Wes semi-sacrifices himself so that Gen and Malik can get away, and they crawl through a tunnel to a room filled with bodies. They end up escaping, and ask for a ride from a local (Steve Railsback). He says he’ll drive them to the nearest town, though the viewer knows that he’s the creepy guy who was summoning ghosts before! He starts going on a rant about how his son died in those tunnels, and how the papers made him out to be a terrible person, but the only ones to blame are the drug dealers and people like Malik, Gen, and their friends. He gives Gen some beer (from a sealed can) and she passes out, he drives nails into Malik’s legs before knocking him out with chloroform. The pair wakes up back in the room with the dead bodies, but they find another tunnel to escape out of. They come up into a bedroom that’s covered in news clippings about the boy, Zee, who was killed presumably because he was a drug runner. They realize that the creepy old guy must be Zee’s father.

            The old guy comes back and we get a flashback of sorts explaining how he actually murdered Zee. The old guy tries again to kill Malik and Gen, but the previously-silent Zee tells him to stop. Gen grabs the old man’s amulet, which takes away his powers over the ghosts, who then kill him.

            Malik and Gen get out of the tunnels and get a ride. They then get a hotel room, and the two appear to have decided to become romantically involved. The camera pans out their window, where the ghosts of Barbie and Wes are staring at them.

            This movie was just… badly done. The plot isn’t anything special, but could have been an average or above average movie if done correctly. They even have some real actors! But no, it’s presumably poorly directed or something, because the acting is pretty shoddy, and Edward Furlong pretty much just yells all of his lines.

            The story also is just absolutely rife with plot holes. There’s little reason for them all to go down there, particularly since Barbie is on crutches the whole time. (Trivia tells me that this is because Amber Benson actually was injured, so the crutches were written in for the character, but going into a tunnel with someone who can’t walk is still a stupid idea in-film.) Even down to simple stuff like the old guy kidnapping and knocking Gen and Malik out, leaving them in a room, and then coming back later to kill them. Why did he leave them at all?

The ghost effects are always bad, but additionally are inconsistent. Sometimes they’re bad CG blurs, sometimes they appear to be guys in bad skeleton costumes. The other effects such as the blood and gore stuff is also poorly done.

Some stuff strays between plot hole, inconsistency, and plain incompetence. Several scenes have had the film flipped, so text on people’s shirts appears backwards. Some scenes are entirely reused, just with the film flipped, like when they crawl through the tunnels. When Wes is running through the tunnels he alternately is carrying his backpack and not carrying anything, and eventually inexplicably loses his shirt. Zee is alternately called Zeke and Zack and I think something else throughout the movie. It’s shown that his father killed him by strangling him, but we got a “shocking” scene earlier where you could see him from behind and it appeared he’d been shot in the head. When Gen steals the old man’s amulet and he’s shown frantically trying to get it back, he’s STILL WEARING THE DAMN THING. Gen’s tank top starts out at a reasonable length, and gets progressively shorter through the film (presumably whenever they figured people’s attention was waning) until we start to get some gratuitous underboob shots.

This movie pretty much had no saving points. It’s kind of funny in an unintentionally-bad-movie way, but really isn’t worth seeing unless you want it for that reason. (And while I think the actors realized how bad it was, I don’t think it was truly intended to be as awful as it was… I could be wrong, but it doesn’t seem quite self-aware enough for that. If I AM wrong, then I still think the film fails to achieve its goal.) Even if you’re watching it for the “hey, this is a bad movie, let’s laugh at it” reason, it’s more obnoxious than entertaining a lot of the time. Though at least we now have knowledge of the phrase “what the ass, man?” which has entered into near-daily use in our household.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 8

Episode 8: Row Row Row Your Boat

Overall: C+

Acting: C+

Writing: C

Story: C

Technical aspects: C+

Effects: B

IMDB

Directed by:

Gary Fleder

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

So. Yeah.

            Having found Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood), the crew of the Magus is finally heading for home, intending to leave the Boíuna (the bizarre portion of the river they’ve been on) far behind them. Clark (Paul Blackthorne) gets involved with doing some final interviews for the crew, and speaks about how he’ll edit the video together for his TV show once they get home. Emmet, while surprised that the Boíuna and the related supernatural entities saved his life, seems to feel his quest was a mistake. He believes that the paranormal events that occurred really were warnings that he should have heeded. Lena (Eloise Mumford) desperately wants to know how she’s connected to everything, with her suspicious birthmark, but Emmet tells her to forget it, that he was wrong in thinking that the two of them had some special destiny related to the place.

            While Lincoln (Joe Anderson) and Emmet converse on deck, someone fires a shot at Emmet, but misses and fatally wounds Lincoln. The crew is unsuccessful at finding out the culprit since many have motives; Clark is in love with Tess, Jonas (Scott Michael Foster) was abandoned by Emmet, Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann) was overheard planning to kill Emmet (though he insists he’d never have missed the shot), Lena’s father died because of Emmet’s quest…

            [Spoilers ahead!]

            Against Emmet’s wishes and the wishes of her own father, Jahel (Pauline Gaitan) involves Tess in a ritual to call Lincoln’s spirit back to his body. The ritual involves calling on the Boíuna, which is not only the stretch of river, but is also an entity that is “God of Demons,” to return Lincoln’s spirit. Initially it seems to work, and Lincoln awakes, and says it was Kurt who shot him. Kurt is locked away by the crew. But then when alone in the kitchen with Jonas, Lincoln reveals that he actually saw Jonas shoot him. Then Lincoln kills him with seemingly supernatural strength. An obviously not-himself Lincoln also confronts Kurt, speaking German, telling him that Kurt isn’t needed to protect The Source; Lincoln (or the thing in his body) is enough.

            Meanwhile, Emmet realizes that this can’t really be Lincoln; he’s too affectionate towards Emmet, when they haven’t been on good terms since Lincoln’s childhood. Emmet gets Lena to make Lincoln drink something, which sickens him and proves demonic possession.

            It turns out the Boíuna is also possessing his body, though Lincoln’s spirit is there as well. The demon taunts them, especially Emmet and his lack of knowledge about Lincoln, and assaults Lena, thwarting their attempts at an exorcism. Eventually they speak to Kurt, as he had his own reasons for being in the region. He tells them he won’t attack Emmet, and then explains that a demonic possession can only be fought from within; Lincoln has to will the Boíuna out of his body. Speaking to Lincoln, they give him enough strength to take his body back.

            Afterwards, Emilio (Daniel Zacapa) speaks to Jahel, telling her why he’s tried to keep her from using her gifts. Her mother, who she believed to be dead, was driven mad by the voices of spirits demanding her help. He hasn’t wanted the same fate for Jahel.

            Soon they approach the end of the Boíuna, intending to rejoin the main Amazon, and a small village. But things aren’t where they’re supposed to be! And they lose the link to the satellite map! Sending up a sky camera, it’s revealed that the forest and river are literally changing in front of them, and it will not allow them to leave.

            [End of serious plot spoilers. But spoilers will continue in my reaction below.]

            So. This is how this season ends. The episode isn’t really all that bad. The demonic possession thing is at least fitting with the rest of the series. And quite honestly, the effects of Lincoln twisting around while possessed have been some of the better ones in my opinion. Characterizing the Boíuna as both an entity and a location simultaneously is cool; it strikes me as at least feeling rather authentic to the region, even if the specific entity in question isn’t a real figure. (And I do not know if it is or not.)

            However, for a show that has a questionable future, this was an immensely unsatisfying ending. Literally just about nothing has been wrapped up or given explanation. Leaving some things to interpretation or as mysteries is one thing, especially if there’s a definite future for the series to continue with, or if something being unexplained has some sort of point. But this is pretty much NOTHING, verging into the territory Lost infamously fell into with “we just didn’t plan this shit out!” Other than some random things like Clark doing final interviews, this didn’t in any way feel like a season finale. Not that I was expecting (or wanting!) it to end with them all surviving and making it home, but that this feels just like an episode from the middle of a story somewhere, with no real sense of closure whatsoever.

            A few of the things we’re left wondering about: What is with Lena’s birthmark, and the prophecy tied to it that Emmet believed in? What exactly is The Source? Why was Emmet’s life spared if the Boiuna won’t allow them to leave? Is there more explanation about the “angel-like” Zulo tribe? Why is Kurt there, and what is his connection to the area from before the series? What was with the research facility Mina had infiltrated, and how/why did they turn into zombies? Who locked the demon in the Magus, the one they found in the very first episode? If they never make it off the river, how are we viewing “found footage” from their tapes? And this is not an exhaustive list.

            In having none of these things explained, it feels like many of them had no purpose whatsoever. “The Source” was kind of downplayed here, with the Boíuna itself being the entity responsible for at least some of the paranormal things, contrasted to episode 6 when it was played up as what Emmet had devoted his life to finding. The symbol on the necklace Emmet gave to Lincoln, which is also Lena’s birthmark, which was also seen on the body of Zulo tribesman in the research facility… that and the supposed prophecy have never been relevant to the plot! So why were they in there at all? Why have a forced camera footage feel, which was often a detriment, feeling contrived and awkward, without having any plausible way for the “found footage” to actually be found?

            Now, the series isn’t officially cancelled. But it isn’t renewed officially yet, either. Viewership has been pretty low and declining, which I can’t really fault audiences for considering how disappointing most of the episodes have been. Apparently there are talks to move the show to Netflix’s streaming service for future episodes/seasons. And there’s no guarantee that even if someone makes more of the series that it’ll follow the same characters.

            If this episode came in the middle somewhere, this would probably be one of my favorites. The demonic possession was fitting for the series, and was well handled. I liked Joe Anderson’s acting between Lincoln as normal and in his possessed state – it was subtle enough until the attempted exorcisms that it didn’t seem ridiculous, but the difference was obvious. The rest of the acting was competent, though not perfect. Like I said, the effects were pretty good this time, and the story was engaging. If this had been “just another episode” it’d be a solid B. But as it is, it’s such an unsatisfying ending to the season (and maybe the series) that I have to knock it down just a bit. C+ still seems generous for how unfulfilling it was as a finale, but I did enjoy the episode, and don’t want to let feelings on the series as a whole color that too much.

            Because as a whole, the series disappointed me. The quality was very all over the place, straying from subtlety to over the top ridiculousness in almost every aspect, from acting to writing to effects to story. Some of the characters are intriguing; I’ve grown to like Kurt quite a bit, and Jahel is great when she gets to do something besides provide plot-relevant exposition. The understated drama and implication that Emmet focused too much on Lena because of her birthmark, and that being the cause for the emotional distance between him and Lincoln had potential, especially if Lena was going to have some type of special “destiny” that Lincoln didn’t. But the lack of consistency, not to mention dangling plot threads, is a huge problem for the series. While my individual episode grades have ranged from average (C), to slightly above average (B-), the series as a whole would probably wind up more with a C-. Not quite bad enough for a D, but still below average, because of all that inconsistency and wasted potential.

            Additionally, this feels like exactly the wrong length for this story to be. It could have been a decent movie, and could have lost a lot of the irrelevant filler that so many earlier episodes contained. Or it could have been a better long-form series, where episodes focusing on single legends, areas, or creatures would be more appropriate, and episodes could be devoted to character development without sacrificing so much of a limited amount of time. Of course, there’s the possibility that the series will continue and will wrap up all the loose ends I’m complaining about. But there’s also a possibility that it will do no such thing. And even if it does come back to wrap things up and maybe even gain some consistency… will enough people still care?

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 7

Episode 7: The Experiment

Overall: C

Acting: B

Writing: C

Story: C

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C

IMDB

Directed by:

Kenneth Fink

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

Katie Featherston

[Spoilers pretty much the whole damn time, this time.]

Zombies. We went with zombies? Really?

Picking up directly after the end of episode 6, the crew has arrived at the outpost where they hope to find Emmet (Bruce Greenwood). But it appears to be entirely deserted, and oddly like the abandonment happened very suddenly. Wandering around, they discover that this was a research facility, and Lincoln (Joe Anderson) speculates that they were trying to find a cure for cancer. Much of their experimentation appears to have been unethical, killing and studying the Zulo tribe members, who supposedly have nearly impossible good health. The crew then comes across a freezer filled with decaying human bodies, though Emmet is not among them.

Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann) goes off alone, followed by A.J. (Shaun Parkes). He finds a photo of himself and a woman revealed to have been his fiancée. He also finds Rabbit (Katie Featherston), the camerawoman who abandoned Emmet in the jungle.

She reveals that Emmet was in the facility, and though he was still very sick he’d been recovering. But then the crew is attacked by some of the inhabitants of the facility, who have somehow been thrown into a cannibalistic fury. Yep. We’ve got zombies. The zombie-fication is courtesy of Kurt’s fiancée, Mina (Lili Bordán), who was also on a security mission. She interrupted the scientists dissecting one of the Zulo tribesmen, telling them that their research would never leave. Shooting them, she apparently released some type of… virus? energy? or something that has turned them into zombies. She, too, has been infected.

Tess (Leslie Hope) nearly gives up hope of finding Emmet, though there’ve been clues that he survived. Then they spot a dragonfly, and recognize it as a symbol that’s always led them closer to finding him. Ultimately, they discover him in some type of cocoon, barely alive. Frantically trying to escape from the cannibalistic doctors and soldiers of the base, they make it back to the Magus.

But some of the zombies have followed them, and attack. Rabbit is killed, Kurt has to shoot Mina, and Tess is nearly killed. But at the last moment, she is saved by Emmet, who is out of his coma.

Well, again, at least this episode has plot. But seriously, I just can’t get past the fact that we brought zombies into it. I love zombies, don’t get me wrong. But they’re an obvious trend as far as horror and general pop culture goes, and this just feels… weird and out of place. The horror prior to this may not have been super successful in any consistent way, but focusing on supposed regional legends and creepy things at least gave the show some distinction. Or having the ghost ship, which at least made sense as a plot having to do with being trapped on the river. But zombies have nothing to do with anything except as a “hey, this is a trendy thing right now.” I suppose it could be making a point about the excesses of science trying to understand or replicate or thwart nature, and how it will end in disaster… but isn’t that more or less all the other zombie movies out there?

Leaving that aside, I guess it was an okay episode. The found footage style is starting to feel extra contrived, though, in some regards. Not that it was seamless and totally believable before. But just happening to find the computer in the facility, that just happens to contain the footage of Mina shooting the scientists… way too convenient. Similarly, deliberately not showing the scary things gets frustrating, too. Like supposedly the cameraman is disgusted so we don’t get to see more than a tiny glimpse of the bodies in the freezer. It’s not necessarily unrealistic, but it still feels fake. The “less is more” theory of horror doesn’t always work in my opinion. Sometimes it’s a good way to build tension, but sometimes when it comes to filming it just seems like a way to mask laziness and bad effects.

I’m liking the development we got for Kurt, even though it doesn’t explain all of his creepy behavior throughout the series, or why he (and Mina?) were on the mission that he reveals to A.J. [Extra heavy spoilers]: He reveals he intends to kill Emmet, probably to “protect the Source” as we’ve gotten cryptic hints about. And since he seemed to know that Mina would be in the outpost, they may have both been on complementary missions to do so. [End of spoilers.] I like Kurt’s willingness to discuss his secret plans and mission in German, since no one around understands him.

The cocoon thing with Emmet was… weird. It was intercut with a clip from his nature show about how some butterflies and dragonflies will essentially retreat into a pupa-like state in order to wait out hardship, sometimes for months or years. (While I know of fish and frog species that do something similar by retreating to a near-coma until conditions improve, I didn’t actually know of any insects that do something like this. I don’t know if it’s actually a thing, or if the show is just making shit up. It’s disappointing if they’re just bullshitting, but I don’t have any knowledge either way.) This “older footage” comes with commentary from Emmet telling the audience to keep this in mind if they think they could improve upon nature… that nature always provides a way for creatures to survive. This seems like the contrast against the scientific disaster zombies, but… HUMANS DO NOT PUPATE and I just can’t quite get over that. I know it’s supposed to be a mystery and unexplained and such, but… nature doesn’t work that way.

We’ve got one episode left. I have no idea how this is all going to be resolved in any way that actually wraps it all up. And maybe it won’t be; the implication of the “this is the footage they left behind” taglines in the commercials is that none of the crew ever returns from the mission. There also seem to be plans for this to continue for more than just this mini-season, though whether it’ll be the same characters and goals, I don’t know. We shall see.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 6

Episode 6: Doctor Emmet Cole

Overall: B-

Acting: B

Writing: C

Story: C+

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Michelle MacLaren

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

            After finding out from Lena’s father a possible location to find Emmet (Bruce Greenwood) the crew sets off. They find Sahte Falls, and some evidence that Emmet was there, including a pocketknife and a bag containing some of his tapes. Taking the tapes back to the Magus, they see the last leg of the journey Emmet embarked on.

            The tapes show him leaving Russ on the Magus, and setting off on a long trek on foot with two other crewmembers and his dog. He went on some type of spirit journey and found “them,” a tribe that he believes guards the Source that he hopes to find. Soon they encounter a threatening “spirit” (though upon viewing the tapes Jahel, returned to her role as mystical exposition provider, recognizes it as a demon,) that he insists is merely “testing them” to prove they are worthy, and that all the other unexplainable things they’ve encountered have also been tests. He apparently believes that The Source is some kind of cure for death, that it creates magic but that the spirits of the dead can be found there as well. (He hopes to find the friends and crew he’s lost, as well as his and Tess’ first child, a girl who died in infancy.) He believes that members of the Zulo [I don’t know how to transcribe the name he’s saying, so my apologies if that’s wrong] tribe are angels on earth, and that they guard the Source. Eventually one of his companions is killed, and the other runs away in the middle of the night with their provisions, leaving Emmet alone and still followed by the demon. He continues on foot, filming as he goes. He addresses some of the tapes to Lena, insisting she’s “marked” and special. But Emmet starts growing weaker and sicker, and eventually seems near-death. But just as the demon comes for him, members of the Zulo tribe find him and carry him to some type of (military?) outpost, leaving him outside the gates.

            Lena discovers the birthmark on the back of her neck, the mark that matches the necklace Emmet gave to Lincoln.

            The current crew goes to find the outpost and Emmet, but when they arrive, it appears deserted.

            The other plot-relevant bit we get, which is also a spoiler: Lena reveals to Jonas that she used a remote satellite link to set off the beacon that brought everyone to find Emmet. She wanted someone to try and find her father because she believed the crew was still alive. End spoiler.

            At least the plot is back? Finally there’s some forward progress, now that we’re two episodes away from the end. For that reason alone, I’m inclined to say this is one of the better episodes.

            There’s actual development of some of the characters; Lena, Tess and Lincoln, Emmet himself. There’s progress made toward understanding Emmet’s goal, and towards the current crew’s goal of finding him. It was pretty competently acted, or at least I remember fewer cringe-worthy moments.

            Still, it’s not managed to shake the problems with the series as a whole or the individual episodes. Some are just seeming plot holes, which could maybe be resolved in the future. If the Zulo took Emmet and his camera (still filming!) to the outpost, why did they then take the tapes back to where the crew found them? For that matter, why did they continue filming him, from multiple angles at points? How has Lena made it to her early/mid-twenties and not noticed a pretty major birthmark? Since the first episode featured them finding a demon sealed in a room on the Magus, when will that fit into the timeline? It didn’t appear to have happened yet at the point when Emmet leaves the Magus.

            Some issues are with the writing and story, like why there are typical Judeo-Christian angels (basically winged humans) found in the middle of the Amazon? (And yes, the people don’t appear with wings, but Emmet tells us they scar their backs “as if removing wings.”) It just feels like it’s largely about moving Euro-centric mythology into an exotic location, which feels… shallow at best, and shittily appropriative more likely.

            It also felt like the horror was absent from this episode. Emmet was running away from a demon, but minus one shot of the demon having skinned a monkey to threaten them, and the largely uncharacterized companion being killed, there wasn’t anything “scary” that happened. There’s the more “mundane” horror of being alone and sick in the jungle, too far out to get help, but that’s a very different kind of horror than the supernatural or paranormal feel that the show had up until this point.

            Basically, I am glad to see a return of the plot, and it’s reignited some of my interest in the eventual resolution. But at the same time, it still fails to really pull together as a whole. Plus that eventual resolution feels increasingly like it’ll probably be very anti-climactic.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 5

Episode 5: Peaches

Overall: C+

Acting: C

Writing: C+

Story: C

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C-

IMDB

Directed by:

Rob Bailey

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

Lee Tergesen

Don McManus

Karen LeBlanc

Walter Perez

Kelemete Misipeka

Well, I speculated last time that Lena (Eloise Mumford) was a non-character because they wanted to push her into the background, but that’s proven wrong, since this episode focused mostly on her.

The Magus and crew are continuing on, hoping that they can use Jonas’ (Scott Michael Foster) recollection of Emmet’s (Bruce Greenwood) plans to find him. All Jonas can really tell them was that Emmet had become obsessed with the idea of “The Source;” a single thing responsible for the real magic in the world. On the journey, the boat is sideswiped by another vessel in the dark, leaving them stranded and in need of parts to do repairs. Meanwhile, Lena seems to be growing very upset over the focus on Emmet. Her father, Emmet’s cameraman, is missing too, and she feels like the only one who cares about that.

Fortunately, the Magus is contacted by another boat named the Exodus. Their four-person crew is on an ecological mission to fight logging and protect indigenous people, flora, and fauna. They agree to sell some spare parts to the Magus. As the crews mingle and chat, Lena and Jonas realize that it looks like there’s someone else over on the Exodus, and they decide to investigate.

Spoilers for the episode: It turns out that it’s Russ Landry (Lee Tergesen), Lena’s dad, that’s on board the Exodus, which appears run down and abandoned. The Exodus is a ghost ship, and the crew is trapped on the boat unless they can capture living people to replace them. Eventually, Lena, Jonas, Tess (Leslie Hope), and Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann) are all captured, and have to be rescued by sunrise in order to be saved.

In the end, Jahel (Paulina Gaitan) is able to tell Lincoln (Joe Anderson) where to find them, and they are rescued. But Lena’s father is now one of the ghosts, so he can’t leave with them. End spoilers.

I feel like I’m running out of things to say. The flaws are just so frequently getting more and more apparent. The writing for the individual episode was pretty good, but it’s rather obvious that each episode is written by a different person. So, conveniently, the episode where Lena is upset about her father is the same episode in which we find out his fate, when there’ve been few mentions of him before. (We know he’s missing, and that Lena wants to find him, but she hasn’t been especially emotional about it prior to this episode.)

The effects in this one were bad. The “fuzzy static, off-color scary ghost-face” thing just isn’t scary.

The acting was… inconsistent. Parts were pretty good… other parts were too ridiculous and over-acted to take seriously.

And in episode 5 out of an 8 episode series, do we really need to shoehorn in an awkward love triangle subplot between Lincoln, Lena, and Jonas? I mean, I guess it was set up in the last episode a bit, since Lena hired Jonas in the first place and flirted with him in his audition tapes, but seriously. More subplots in a show that can’t seem to focus on the main plot is not what we need.

Which leads to the biggest thing that still bothers me; again, with the possible exception of episode 4, every episode has felt unnecessary. This one too. While it provides emotional development for Lena, and lets them know what happened to Russ, the overall plot is no closer to being resolved. It’s not that an episode focusing on a single character’s development is worthless, far from it, but this is such a short series! We’re more than halfway through, and it seems like they have yet to really move forward. This episode was about the crew being literally stranded and unable to move ahead.

I also really for some reason noticed during this episode that this show has a severe case of Missing Mother Syndrome. Lincoln’s mother Tess obviously features prominently, but the other two young members of the crew, Lena and Jahel, both have fathers who show up and are important to the story… but neither of their mothers have been mentioned to my recollection. It’s like watching a Disney movie!

There are some positives for the episode. I complained a lot in my last review about Jahel’s character being reduced to the mystic exposition fairy, and she actually had a better role this time, in my opinion. She was primarily responsible for helping out as mechanic, and then later for receiving Lena’s transmission and directing the others on where to go; something done without some kind of mystical knowledge.

There were also at least two moments that I thought were actually pretty funny, both in kind of a meta way. One was where one of the ghosts was trying to get Jahel back to the Exodus, and she remarked that no one on the Magus joked with her, because they were afraid of her. The boy said she didn’t seem scary, and she replies with “You don’t know me.” The delivery was pretty funny, and was even a decent bit of foreshadowing, as she’s the one who ultimately led to the failure of the Exodus crew’s plans. The other moment is when Jonas and Lena go on board the Exodus, and make fun of Blair Witch style found footage camera work. I mean, in some ways that joke falls flat because The River isn’t really any better at the “found footage” thing, but at least it gives it a little self-awareness.

Despite the good points in the episode, the flaws are still way more prevalent. The individual episodes still feel too isolated from each other, like they have almost no bearing on the entirety of the plot. Considering there are only three more episodes to go, it’s going to take some kind of masterful finale to tie this together in a way that really works or makes the individual episodes feel relevant. I still don’t think it’s “THE WORST THING EVER” as a lot of angry internet comments say, but as is, it seems stuck around mediocre.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 4

Episode 4: A Better Man

Overall: C+

Acting: C

Writing: C+

Story: C+

Technical aspects: B

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Dean White

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

Scott Michael Foster

In Episode 4, the crew of the Magus continues their journey. As they try and decide where to go, they see a man hanged in a tree. Shocked, they realize the man is Jonas Beckett (Scott Michael Foster,) a cameraman who disappeared along with Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood). As they plan to cut him down, speculating that the body must have been put there recently, they realize he’s still alive. Bringing him onboard, it’s clear he’s suffering from malaria, and they face the decision to go back to civilization with him to get him treatment, or press on to find Emmet. Tess (Leslie Hope) is thrilled that Jonas’s phone may provide some data that will help them find Emmet. But Jahel (Pauline Gaitan) becomes obviously distressed by his presence, as she keeps pulling the “hanged man” card from her tarot deck. There’s some exposition regarding the hanged man being a justly punished thief. Viewing tapes, it becomes clear that Jonas was a thief of a sort: he went against Emmet’s wishes and filmed a death ritual that was forbidden to view. In doing so, he “stole” the soul of the man who was dying. Bizarre and dangerous things begin happening on the boat, such as birds plummeting from the sky and hundreds of thousands of insects appearing. It’s evidently the curse following Jonas for what he’d done, and will probably culminate in a severe storm that could kill everyone on board. Upon viewing a tape that Jonas had tried to steal, it’s clear the curse was brought down on the Magus before, and Emmet elected to throw Jonas overboard to save the crew. Furthermore, the tape reveals that Jonas had been hanging in the tree for months until they found him, and somehow hadn’t died. After getting what information from Jonas that they could, Tess and the others plan to cast him off again, though Lincoln (Joe Anderson) fights to keep it from happening.

Spoilers for the ending of the episode: In the end, Jonas pulls a rather sudden 180 from begging for his life to deciding to sacrifice himself. He smashes the phone he recorded the ceremony on, and hangs himself from the vines. The stolen soul is freed, and Jonas is spared. In the end, Jonas is hired on as a new cameraman. End heaviest spoilers.

Is it just me, or are the “morals” kind of simplistic and heavy handed? The last episode had “be brave and willing to sacrifice yourself, and it will prove you’re worthy.” This one has “stealing is wrong, but if you give it back, it’ll all be okay.” It’s kind of… frustrating. And how quickly Jonas suddenly decided to kill himself to save the others, after spending the whole episode trying to hide what he’d done and then begging them to save him, was also rather bothersomely unbelievable.

I did actually like this episode more than the last one, in that it seemed to have a little more actual tension to it, and the horror felt a bit more “real” to me. Particularly the reveal that Jonas had been left hanging but alive for months… that actually struck me as creepy in a way that some of the rather unsubtle imagery from previous weeks hasn’t.

However, there are certainly flaws that seemed more apparent to me this week than they have in previous weeks. The filming, for one, feels far too convenient for a “found footage” story. So often there are multiple camera angles that conveniently fit together to give a perfect and deliberate sense of continuity for a conversation or a run of action, in a way that doesn’t feel authentic for what it’s supposed to be.

Some of the characters are beginning to feel more one-dimensional, as well. The episode largely hinges on Lincoln being the moral voice on the boat, and it feels like that’s becoming all he is. He’s the “good guy” who will be the hero and try to make everything right, even though he has to go against everyone else. The other one that frustrates me is Jahel. She was initially my favorite character, when it seemed like her knowledge of the supernatural was just one aspect of her character. But with the last episode and this one, it seems like that’s all she’s there for. To have her tarot cards and obscure knowledge of symbols in order to provide easy exposition of what folkloric creepy-of-the-week they’re facing. She could be an interesting character, but she again is falling into feeling like a plot device more than a person.

This last one might be just me, or might be deliberate, but is Lena a total non-entity to anyone else? Like seriously, I forget entirely about her character when she’s not on screen. It’s been suggested to me that this may be deliberate, because she’ll be important later, and it’s meant to be some sort of twist. But the story so far hasn’t shied away from hinting at her importance. The birthmark that matches the necklace Emmett had? The fact that she was in contact with Emmett even when he’d stopped speaking to Tess and Lincoln? It hasn’t been real subtle about hinting around the idea that she may ultimately be the most important person, or that she knows more than she lets on. And yet, I just don’t seem to be able to hold onto her as a character. If it is intentional on their part to push her into the background, they’re doing so with more skill than I would expect.

And a final gripe, the episodes don’t feel well-tied together. I feel like any one of these episodes, particularly 2 or 3, could have been left out entirely, and we wouldn’t really be missing anything other than a line or two of relevant dialogue. I understand that a series has to have stand-alone episodes. But this almost feels like every single episode is a filler episode, like nothing about the ultimate goal is getting closer, like nothing new and necessary occurs. This episode may be the first exception, since finding Jonas at least propels them forward and expands on the mystery of Emmet’s disappearance.

So ultimately, I think this episode was a little stronger and more enjoyable than the previous one, but I still wish the series would live up to a little more of its potential.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 3

Episode 3: Los Ciegos

Overall: C

Acting: C

Writing: C-

Story: C

Technical aspects: B

Effects: C+

IMDB

Directed by:

Michael Katleman

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

In Episode 3, the crew is still seeking to rescue Emmet Cole. They hope that they have some kind of new lead, and go into the jungle. Unfortunately, when they stop for the night, it becomes clear that something is following them. Jahel, who has the most knowledge of the superstitions and legends of the area, believes that they’re being followed by the Morcego, a semi-paranormal/semi-real tribe that will judge whether they are worthy of survival or not. (Since it’s this show, of course she’s right.) After spending the night in the jungle, one by one they start to go blind. Seeking answers on the boat, they find out that it’s probably a poison, which has an antidote, if they can find the right tree. The few non-blinded members set off to seek out the antidote. Meanwhile, everyone on the boat has gone blind, including Lincoln, who is trying to tend a very severe wound of Clark’s. And of course the Morcego are on the ship as well, threatening to kill them. And meanwhile on the expedition off-boat, the cameraman A.J. is the only one who can still see, but he plans on abandoning the others. Ultimately he finds the antidote, though he has to face what turns out to, of course, be his most paralyzing fear in order to do so.

Spoilers for the episode: seriously, this crappy ending bugs the hell out of me. Simultaneously A.J. and Clark do something self-sacrificing. Cool. And this means that the Morcego decide to let them live, going so far as to actually save A.J. from death. But… really. It’s just so… cliché, yes? The idea that “oh, we’re so doomed, oh God, what will we do? We’re all going to die, because we’re being judged” but then oh, someone is willing to be a martyr, so everything is okay again, because of the goodness of the human spirit. It’s just so obvious and such an overplayed trope that I couldn’t take it seriously. End of the most serious spoilers.

Otherwise the episode is all right. I liked the development A.J. got as a character, since we didn’t see much of him in the first two episodes. Enough new hints were placed for some of the ongoing plot threads to keep it interesting. The Morcego were pretty creepy looking, though they held to the idea that “the less you see the scarier it is” for most of the episode. Once you do get a good look at them, they’re plenty freaky, but kinda in the same way the dolls in episode 2 were. Like it’s just so obviously done specifically TO be creepy, that it doesn’t feel surprising or real. I know that horror obviously has the aim to be horrifying, but something about this just feels like they’re doing it wrong. I’m not sure I can explain what I mean all that well... But in my opinion (for the kind of horror this seems to want to be,) doing it right would be a good atmospheric horror, where it’s unsettling and creepy and the horror serves to further the story. Where ultimately, the story is most important, it just happens to have a bunch of creepy happening, too. And this feels more like they just wrote a story with the intent of tying various creepy things together, so they can point and go “hey, it’s horror!”

I’ve heard a lot of “OH GOD, THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER PUT ON TELEVISION” opinions, and I think that’s kind of an exaggeration. It’s still entertaining enough and has a few legitimately creepy moments, but it’s also kind of underwhelming. Probably especially so if you’ve seen a lot of horror things in the past. My opinion hasn’t changed much since the first couple episodes. I’m still watching, and still want to see more, but this episode definitely felt weaker than the first two, and that’s not what I hope for out of a short series.

Horror Episode Review: The River, Episodes 1 and 2

Two reviews in one! Mostly because they were presented together as the pilot.

 

Overall: B-

Acting: C

Writing: B-

Story: B

Technical aspects: C

Effects: C

Episode 1, “Magus” on IMDB

Episode 2, “Marbeley” on IMDB

Directed by:

Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring:

Joe Anderson

Leslie Hope

Eloise Mumford

Paul Blackthorne

Daniel Zacapa

Pauline Gaitan

Thomas Kretschmann

Shaun Parkes

Bruce Greenwood

In the 80s, Emmet Cole (Bruce Greenwood) starred in a wildlife/exploration/nature show along with his family: his wife, Tess (Leslie Hope,) and son Lincoln (played as an adult by Joe Anderson.) A bit later in life, he continues to go on expeditions, eventually at the expense of the relationships with his family. Six months before The River begins, he goes missing on a trip to the Amazon. Just as his family, in particular his estranged son, are coming to terms with his assumed death, a signal from his beacon is received, giving hope that he or some of his crew may be alive. The company that originally funded his show will even fund an expedition to go recover the beacon and possibly Emmet himself, but only if they can get his family and some of the rest of the original group involved with the show to go along.

Lincoln reluctantly agrees. So he; his mother; Clark (Paul Blackthorne), the producer of the old show; Lena, the daughter of a cameraman who went missing along with Emmet; Emilio (Daniel Zacapa), the mechanic of Emmet’s old ship; Jahel (Pauline Gaitan), Emilio’s daughter and assistant; Kurt (Thomas Kretschmann), a security and bodyguard; and A.J. (Shaun Parkes), the cameraman; all head off to the Amazon.

Creepy things happen from the outset, as they find the beacon underwater, with no sign of the crew. Then the ship is found along with some very disturbing tapes recorded by Emmet. Eventually things stray to the downright paranormal, with a demon spirit locked on board the ship, eventually giving Tess the belief that Emmet is still alive.

Much of the first episode is devoted to introducing the characters, which I appreciate was done with at least moderate non-awkwardness. It’s not perfect and seamless by any stretch, as there were some moments I was still very aware that I was being fed exposition. However, I can certainly imagine it being far worse.

The show is set up as being a mix between the Crocodile Hunter style nature show of Emmet Cole’s from the 80s (and I love how very 80s they make those clips feel), a found footage narrative in the style of The Blair Witch Project or Paranormal Activity, and the reality TV show that Clark and the studio are intending this to be. I don’t know if this is intentional, but I think it’s kind of in a way a wonderful commentary on how TV has changed over the last couple decades. As a kid, I loved nothing more than the Discovery Channel and NatGeo and such, with their nature documentaries and exploration shows. Now, almost everything, including those same channels, has moved into the realm of “reality TV” and that kind of contrived drama. I like that the same progression from “educational, and people enjoy it” to “cheap and contrived drama, and people enjoy it” is visible in the fictional production company.

Episode 2 begins with Jahel being possessed by Emmet’s spirit. She realizes that he must still be alive, even though he wants them to leave for fear of them being in danger. Tess and the crew set out to try and find him, based on clues from the countless (but unorganized) tapes of his expedition. With one idea of where to go, the group sets off and finds a very creepy tree covered in children’s dolls. Lincoln even finds a childhood toy of his own there, meaning Emmet must have been through. The tree is tied to a legend about a child’s spirit that out of loneliness drowns travelers, with the dolls being an attempt to comfort her and pacify her. Once again, the paranormal legend turns out to be true, though I’ll spare the spoilers of what happens with it.

In this episode, I admittedly found the doll tree creepy. (And there’s a creepy doll… that always follows you… it’s got a ruined eye…that’s always…open… Though seriously, go download that song. Jonathan Coulton is awesome and I love that song, and yes you can get it for free legitimately.) I’m one of those people who does get kind of freaked by dolls. And I’ve heard this legend before, though they’ve taken a few liberties from the one that I know. (The one I know of is the Isla De Las Muñecas, or Island of Dolls, and is actually something of a creepy tourist destination.) But at the same time, it felt a bit like “HEY, THIS IS CREEPY! ARE YOU CREEPED OUT YET? BE CREEPED OUT.” Maybe it’s just that I watch a lot of horror, so I’m familiar with a lot of the tropes. But while dolls are pretty creepy in their own ways, it seems like just such a stock “now you’re afraid, yes?” that it felt a little lazy and uncreative. But hey, it was still pretty unsettling.

Anyway, in terms of quality, the show is pretty average. It has good points and bad points, for sure. Positives include some of the things I mentioned above, with at least somewhat competent writing in terms of character introduction and a reasonably interesting story. Unfortunately, the acting is inconsistent in quality, with some truly cringe-worthy moments but some pretty good performances as well. The effects are nothing special, but they’re passable for a TV series. Other times, the writing feels a bit lazy and like it’s just trying to force the plot forward, rather than having it develop naturally. There are some badly explained shortcuts, like insisting they’ll be able to recognize locations from Emmet's tapes, which I find ridiculous. If you’re not immensely familiar with the setting, all the trees along the Amazon river are going to look a lot like all the other trees along the Amazon river. And when the tapes are of parts of the inner jungle, not even bordering the river, it’s even more suspect that people unfamiliar with the area will know where to go to find him. There’s also some kind of shoddy research or explanations given, like with the dolls and the insistence that “well, originally dolls were used to house the spirits of the dead.” Again, I’m nit-picking based on personal interests and knowledge, but while in some cultures this is true, it’s not true of the whole damn world.

While the show probably isn’t destined to go into the annals of time as a Great Series, it does manage to be entertaining enough and have enough in the way of dangled plot threads that I’ll keep tuning in. It’s not perfect, and the flaws are pretty apparent in some cases, but it’s at least captured my interest for the time being.